Toxic people know just which buttons to push to make you react.
You may be a cool, collected person who doesn’t easily lose control. But when you’re around someone toxic, particularly a family member, you may find yourself getting sucked into their drama and responding from an emotionally charged place.
You know the feeling: your heart starts racing, your head gets warm and dizzy, and you REACT. It happens so quickly, you have no time to catch yourself before you fall.
But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is the feeling of shame and regret that comes after.
Because you’re better than this. You’ve been through a lot, you’ve worked on yourself, you’ve dealt with your issues, and you’ve blossomed into a mature, conscientious adult.
Then how come you’re still reacting like a little kid?
Don’t be too hard on yourself. That’s what toxic people do best — say something hurtful, manipulative, or wildly false to get a rise out of you.
What you need is a clear plan of action for how to respond (not react!) to a toxic person’s provocations. Here are 7 simple ways to help you keep your cool.
1. Know Your Triggers
First off, and I can’t stress that enough, know what triggers you.
Anything can be a trigger — words, people, situations, or even someone’s perfume or the tone of voice.
You may have a low threshold for criticism, or you may be sensitive to people ignoring you or invalidating you.
One of my biggest triggers is someone interrupting me. You may also have strong reactions to opinions and beliefs different from yours.
So know your triggers when you’re around toxic people. They do.
2. Disengage
Toxic people love throwing you off with all kinds of nonsense. They may try to engage you in gossip, or triangulate you (involve you in their conflict with another person).
Or they might make a passive-aggressive comment in passing that feels like someone stuck a knife in your stomach.
If you feel triggered by their hurtful or unfair words, disengage from the conversation. Change the subject or just walk away.
3. Stay Grounded
Grounding allows you to disconnect from some of the volatile emotions you’re experiencing when you feel triggered. It helps you to focus on your physical sensations or surroundings, not racing thoughts or overwhelming feelings.
The easiest way to get grounded is to breathe. Take a few deep long breaths, concentrating on how it feels when the air fills up your lungs, and when it’s released through your nose.
If you want to take it one step further, on the exhale imagine the volatile feelings leaving your body.
4. Have a Comfort Object
This method is based on a “comfort kit” tactile technique that helps anxious children self-soothe.
The idea is to choose an object that has a calming, comforting effect on you. It can be anything – a picture of someone you love, a book, a stress ball, a piece of clothing…Something that reminds you that you’re OK.
When you know you’re going to be around a toxic person, take it with you. If you feel triggered, hold the object until you calm down.
I like to have a piece of rose quartz with me. The roughness and the coolness of the stone are calming. I also have a small crystal angel for when I feel out of sorts.
5. Think Pink
This technique is very simple and it doesn’t require any props.
What’s your favorite color? When you feel the warning signs that tell you you’re being triggered, and that you’re about to react with blind fury or self-directed aggression (guilt, blame, shame, fear, depression), think your favorite color.
Really concentrate on it, feel as if it’s engulfing you in this warm [insert color] light.
It doesn’t have to be pink, just any color that soothes you and makes you feel good. I chose pink because I once attended a lecture by this spiritual warrior woman, and she said that dark entities can’t stand pink. So it must work on toxic people too, right?
6. Become an Observer
In moments of great stress or danger, our minds have a way of dissociating from reality. Many survivors of abuse or violence recall watching what was happening to them as if from a distance. This is a defense mechanism.
So when you’re in a potentially triggering situation, you can use the same principle to protect yourself from the toxic person’s attempts to destabilize you.
If you feel yourself starting to react, shift into an observer state of mind. Mentally remove yourself from the situation and see it as if from a distance. It will allow you to have greater control of your emotional reactions.
If you want to know about other ways to emotionally disengage from toxic people, read 4 Clever Mind Hacks For Dealing With Toxic People
7. Welcome the Trigger
So far we’ve been talking about ways to protect yourself and minimize the effect of the trigger.
But let’s not forget that triggers have a very useful function: they show you where your pain is. They are like the lighthouses on the shores of the deep, murky ocean of your subconscious. They show you what you can’t see in the dark.
So another way of dealing with triggers is to welcome them and try to understand what they’re telling you.
This isn’t easy because, by definition, a trigger is something that produces a strong emotional reaction in you.
But it also promises the greatest reward — the possibility of healing the parts of you that make you react to toxic people in the first place.
NEXT
How to Disarm a Manipulator (When You’re a People Pleaser)
Why You Attract Toxic People (8 Reasons That Will Surprise You)
5 Ways Toxic People Violate Your Boundaries
