I’m probably sounding like a parrot, but narcissists rarely do things for nothing in return. And the act of giving presents is no exception.
In the early days of a relationship, the narcissist may give generously. Even lavishly. And may appear not to expect anything in return. But like the decorative wrapping, the façade cleverly conceals what’s hiding inside.
Narcissists always look to gain something from the seemingly selfless act of giving. And because you don’t think like a narcissist, it’s easy to miss what it is. But if you look hard enough, and understand their mind set, you see what they’re looking to gain. Armed with this knowledge, you’re better equipped to defend against it.
Here’s some of the things narcissists seek to gain from gift giving…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
In the embryonic stages of a relationship, a narcissist may buy lavish gifts. Treat you like a million dollars. With no expense spared. This is because they’re in the “love bombing” stage of the relationship.
Love bombing is where the narcissist plays their “A game”. They’re super nice, give LOTS of attention, and may buy expensive gifts.
But the gifts are not heartfelt acts of generosity. Hell no! They’re more akin to the sweet nectar on the flower, cleverly calculated to snare the honeybee.
The narcissist knows that they can’t be too narcissistic at the beginning of a relationship. Because most people would run a mile. So they start off nice to draw you in. And that often includes buying impressive gifts.
A narcissist may choose a particular gift to show off. It could be to show off their knowledge. Or their wealth. Whichever gives them their strokes.
For example, the narcissist may buy you a book on a subject they’re knowledgeable about. Which gives them the chance to share their vast experience with you. And show how intelligent they are. Lucky you!
If the narcissists is wealthy, or wants to show off what wealth they have, they may spend huge amounts of money. This sends out a message to you and others that they’re rich and successful. Meaning they’re talented and capable. This also serves as a warning to you, and potential rivals, that no one can top this big spender.
A narcissist may buy lavish gifts to attract attention and compliments. In their mind it’s a simple exchange. And they expect a good return on their investment.
The narcissist may fish for compliments from you and others. And expect you to gush over how great the gift is. And of course, how wonderful they are. And if you don’t, they may sulk for days.
The narcissist may also encourage you to post pictures of the gift on social media. So they gain the maximum bang for their buck. Then ask every 30 seconds if anyone’s commented.
Your lavish gift was just a by product. The real beneficiary was the narcissist. Which is why the gift may not be something you particularly wanted. They don’t care about you. Just the reaction they gain from you, and perhaps more importantly, the reaction from outsiders.
If there’s an event such as a wedding or a Christening, then the narcissist may select a gift to one up other gift buyers. Everything’s a competition with narcissists. And buying gifts is no exception. They may want to beat the group as a whole, or beat a specific “rival”.
Their gift may be more expensive than everyone else’s. Or more flamboyant, just to stand out.
The recipient may just want a toaster. But the narcissist snorts, “I’m not being seen buying a toaster.” That’s beneath someone so majestic. So instead they buy a flashy coffee machine, complete with bells and whistles.
The narcissist then swaggers around, safe in the knowledge they eclipsed their rivals. Meanwhile the recipient feigns appreciation, and bundles the white elephant into a dark cupboard. Remembering to bring it out when the narcissist next visits.
There’s several ways narcissists use gifts to establish control. They know that “weak” empaths feel beholden when receiving gifts. So they play on this.
The narcissist may buy a gift specifically because they want a favour. Because they know it’s difficult to say no after receiving a gift.
Less sophisticated narcissists may be obvious and ask for the favour right away. But the more intelligent may bide their time. And ask a while later.
If the narcissist gifts something useful, such as a car, they may use it as leverage. And threaten to take it away if you don’t do what they want.
Or they may buy you an item of clothing or jewellery, that’s not your usual style. Then expect you to wear it the next time they see you. With a cheery, “It’ll be great to see you wear it next Friday!”
They know this pressures you to wear it. And they’re probably aware that you don’t really want to.
This may be a primer, to get you used to doing as you’re told. Or a test, to see how controllable you are. And if you don’t wear it, they can guilt you. So whatever you do, you lose.
A common tactic of narcissist parents is to buy better gifts for their “golden child” than the others. And this is not a clumsy mistake. It’s deliberate, and serves a few purposes.
It plays the children off against each other (triangulation). Making them fight for their parents’ approval. This creates a competition amongst the siblings. Which the narcissist milks for their benefit. Divide and conquer.
Narcissists also enjoy the power trip of causing arguments, just for the shear hell of it. They love winding people up, then watching them go. It makes them feel powerful. And narcissists lust for power.
Some narcissists use gifts to buy friendships. They may be the one who buys all the drinks for their friends. Or picks up the tab after a meal.
Friendship is vital to some narcissists. Because they need attention and admiration from outsiders. They consider the attention and admiration from their family to be stale and boring. It’s expected. So they seek exciting fresh supply from outside their home. And some bribe their way to friendships.
These narcissists infuriate their family. Because they’re super generous with friends and people they barely know. But with their family, they’re so tight they walk with a squeak.
Although narcissists aren’t great at choosing gifts, they may deliberately buy an even worse gift. Here’s why.
They want to provoke a reaction. Either for fun, or to publicly show your “bad” side.
Narcissists love attention. And even negative attention is lapped up. Provoking an argument over a bad gift gives them this fuel. And with less cost and effort than buying a good gift. Now that’s value!
The narcissist may also deliberately give you a bad gift in front of others. Which puts you in a no win situation. If you accept the gift graciously, you send a signal that they can treat you this way. But if you react, you’re playing into their hands.
The narcissist can publicly show how ungrateful you are. And paint a picture of you being mean spirited.
This is handy if they’re planning to leave you. Or if they’re having an affair. Because if or when your relationship ends, they can save face. They’ve already publicly showed your “bad behaviours”. And can claim YOUR difficult nature drove them to leave you, or have the affair.
Later in a relationship, the narcissist may stop buying gifts altogether. This is usually in the devaluation stage.
The narcissist either can’t be bothered, or wants to show how little you matter. So they pretend to forget. This is alarming when you’re used to lavish gifts from the love bombing stage.
And if you complain, of course it isn’t their fault. They may blame some supposed wrong you committed in the past. Or claim that the last gift you gave them was not what they wanted. So you get nothing in return.
This swift U-turn is confusing when you don’t understand narcissism. How can they go from lavish gift buying to nothing?
Many partners make excuses for the narcissist. Thinking they must be stressed or depressed. Or blame themselves for being bad partners.
The narcissist senses this. And sees it as a green light to dial up their levels of abuse. Because they know they can.
As with most things in life, narcissists use gift buying to meet THEIR needs. These may be to win people over. Gain attention. Or to manipulate in some way.
Narcissists don’t have emotional empathy. So they don’t feel your joy when you receive gifts. Meaning they NEVER buy a gift solely for your benefit.
All the narcissist enjoys is what the gift gives them. Which is why there’s ALWAYS a selfish motive. Sadly, narcissists aren’t capable of enjoying your enjoyment.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “It’s the thought that counts.” And with narcissists, their thoughts rest solely on themselves.
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