The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (2024)

Arguing with my husband over whose turn it is to move the Elf is what this season is really about.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 2, 2017

Think you are chill and laid back? Watch your kid build and decorate a gingerbread house without intervening.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 3, 2017

Advertisem*nt

If you're in the mood for all hell to break loose—say no to your toddler.

— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) December 3, 2017

SON [showing me his long division homework]: I think I'm getting it!
MORGAN FREEMAN [narrating]: He wasn't getting it.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 7, 2017

Advertisem*nt

It's that time of year again, the time when I have to beg my children to stop changing all the words in the Christmas carols to "fart."

— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) December 4, 2017

Why are my kids obsessed with slime? "Yeah, let me *pay* for something that's going to make my house dirtier than it already is."

GTFOH with that mess.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) December 4, 2017

Advertisem*nt

It was all fun and games until two food groups on my son’s dinner plate decided to touch each other.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) December 8, 2017

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) December 4, 2017

The best part of shopping at Target is the convenience. And that at least one mom always looks more frazzled than I do.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 4, 2017

Welcome to parenthood! I hope you enjoy driving people around to places they begged you to go, but then complained about having to go to when it's time to go.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 8, 2017

Parents, it's called Elf on the Shelf, not Elf on the Zipline Made of Licorice That Ends in a Punchbowl Full of Mini Marshmallows, you assholes.

See Also

Gino's East Deep Dish Pizza Imitation Recipe

— Valerie ❤️s Presents (@ValeeGrrl) December 2, 2017

Advertisem*nt

DON’T RUN WITH CHEESE IN THE LIVING ROOM and other things I didn't think I'd yell until I became a parent.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) December 5, 2017

I'm using our ab roller as a foot rest right now and I can't think of a better metaphor for my life for the past eight years.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) December 8, 2017

Kid: Mom, why’s there a password lock on your phone now? What’s the code?
Me, thinking of how it took me 20 minutes to delete all the photos of the inside of her mouth this morning: No idea.

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) December 3, 2017

KIDDO: A character on a show I watched yesterday said a bad word.

ME: Realy?! What did they say?

KIDDO: [bashful] Are you sure you want me to say it?

ME: Only if you're comfortable and you're not in trouble.

KIDDO: [with wide eyes] He said [then she whispered] "dagnabit."

— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) December 2, 2017

Well your first mistake was letting your kids get ahold of that toy catalog in the first place. My kids are circling coveted items in the Staples mailer. Right now my daughter’s heart is set on a small dry erase board with neon makers.

— Sara Says Stop here Santa 🎄 (@PetrickSara) December 4, 2017

Advertisem*nt

My fashion sense can best be described as my daughter asking me why I "dressed so pretty" because I put on a pair of jeans and a sweater.

— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) December 5, 2017

My four year old can’t folllow my finger when I’m pointing to something 3 feet away but he can sniff out unauthorized gifts like a 4T truffle hunting pig

— Honest Toddler’s Mom (@HonestToddler) December 4, 2017

You’re not living your best parenting life until you’ve launched a toy out the front door to stop your kids from fighting over it.

— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) December 4, 2017

Most of your time as a parent during the month of December is just threatening to take your kids' gifts back.

— 🎄Sarcastic Mommy🎄 (@sarcasticmommy4) December 7, 2017