Chapter Text
Hamish had gone from being on cloud nine to feeling like the ground had fallen out from under his feet. He’d done the research. He’d been so sure that this was their answer. And yet Alpha hadn’t even twitched.
“No. It-, it was supposed to work. He was supposed to pick you.”
Vera raised her glass to her lips and took another swallow. “It’s not a big deal, Hamish. You’ll find someone else.”
Hamish didn’t want to accept that it was over. He started pacing, wracking his brain for why. Vera was perfect. It should have been perfect. “I must have missed something.”
“Hamish,” Vera called softly.
“It was all right there,” he continued anyways. “Alpha is our leader. You’re the only other person the wolves have ever followed. Alpha is cunning and you are so f*cking brilliant, even Tundra’s been curious about you from the first time we met. Alpha is brave, and you, you don’t let anyone or anything stop you. Alpha is powerful and you are the strongest person I know. You can hold your own with the Knights already, without a hide. Alpha is independent. You’ve never followed the herd, even when it meant you were fighting through on your own. Alpha’s supposed to put his own wellbeing behind others. You’ve always done that. You’ve protected us, even when it cost you everything. When Rogwan came through and everyone ran, you stayed. I don’t know what else Alpha could want from you!”
Hamish had to stop and gasp for breath by the time he finished. He looked up at Vera, her cheeks flushed pink and her mouth slightly open. Hamish felt his own face heat as he realized everything he’d just told her. Vera knew he cared. He’d told her, once, that it was okay to let someone care about her, and he tried to show her in as many little ways as he could. But he’d never just laid out so many of the characteristics that he found so endearing, so amazing about Vera Stone. And he had a feeling she wasn’t used to being complimented like that.
Vera glanced away from him. “You’re forgetting something,” she said quietly.
He stepped forward, gently grasping her arms. “What?” he asked. He’d gone over it so many times, reread the pages, worked through it in his mind. What had he missed? What was so big, Vera could see it but he couldn’t?
“Two things,” she correctly softly. “I’m not powerful, not anymore. Maybe never again.”
“Your magic? You think that’s all it is?” he asked, hope spreading through him again. That was fixable. It had to be. And it was something they were already working on. He could find the answer, somewhere. He had to.
Vera shrugged. “The Knights are powerful practitioners. I am not.” But then he felt her take in a deep breath. “But I don’t think it would matter…I’m dying. I have been for a long time. The Fors Factorum doesn’t have a counter spell, Hamish. I would be a waste of a Knight.”
Hamish swallowed thickly. He hadn’t planned to tell her. He hadn’t wanted to get her hopes up, to give her a cure only to have it yanked away. But he still believed Alpha was meant to choose her and if her magic was all that was standing in the way…
“There is, actually.”
Vera looked up, arching a brow skeptically. “You just happened to find something the Order’s been searching for for centuries?”
“The Order knew, once. They just forgot.”
“That seems like a rather stupid thing of them to do. And if there were a cure, which I’m not saying I believe there is, why wouldn’t it have been paired with the incantation?”
“Because it’s not another incantation. It’s the hides. The hide balances the cost of the spell.”
Vera’s lips parted, her green eyes widening. She didn’t seem to know what to say.
“I mean, the journals didn’t spell it out or anything, but that’s what it seems to mean. There were a couple entries in one of the journals, from when the Order first took the spell from the Knights of the Blue Rose and decided to allow the whole Order access.” When Vera didn’t say anything, Hamish gave her arms a gentle squeeze. “We need to get your magic back, Vera.”
Vera pulled away from him, bringing her glass to her lips. She started to turn away. “I don’t-”
“I’m not giving up, Vera. Once we get your magic back, Alpha can fix everything. You’ll see.”
Vera turned on him. Her eyes were pleading with him to understand. “Just stop, alright? I accepted my fate a long time ago. I was fine with it until-…you didn’t need to go looking for a way to fix me.”
“I don’t see the problem with wanting you to live,” Hamish told her.
Vera looked at him sadly, then ducked her head. “You were never meant to get attached,” she whispered.
Attached. Like she was a lost dog he’d brought home until he found its real family. Something that was never meant to stay, or even be remembered. But Vera was already so much more than that. For months now, she’d been the reason he looked forward to each day. Just seeing her made him smile, made the weight in his heart ease a little bit. Seeing her smile lifted his spirits more than any co*cktail ever had. It was always such a tiny motion, like she didn’t want anyone to notice that she actually was capable of feeling amused, so each time she smiled for him, it felt special somehow, a secret just between them. She was the reason he’d been able to remain sober now and he struggled to picture a world where she wasn’t there.
Vera turned away again. “I’d appreciate it if you kept this to yourself,” she said, her gaze dropping to the floor, and then she left.
As Hamish watched her walk away, he couldn’t help but wonder what it was that made the idea of life so difficult. Was it that she simply didn’t want to get her hopes up, only to be let down? Or was it more than that? He suspected the answer would be mixed with the reason she’d performed the incantation in the first place, when most chose to walk away. He suspected Vera’s past had damaged her so badly that the idea of a full life, of a family and someone to come home to every night, of being able to be happy again, scared her more than dying young.
Hamish wasn’t going to just give up though. Maybe he was being selfish for wanting to keep her alive because he didn’t want to let her go, but he was fine with being selfish in that respect.
